OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
