So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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