fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
