I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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