Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
