I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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