Jerry, you need to find god
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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