dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
