I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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