its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
