So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
