Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
