i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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