i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
