I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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