Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize