My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
