i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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