theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
