Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
