We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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