I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
