She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
