I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think we might need a safe word for this...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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