i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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