oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
