Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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