Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
