you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sorry about my life...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
