I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
