You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize