Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
