I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
