You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
