My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
