i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
