Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
