Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
