the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
