If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
