I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize