At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
