i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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