My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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