Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
