Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you had me at cake vodka
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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