Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
