peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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