That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
