it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
