Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
