I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
