Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
