My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
