I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
