my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Help. Why am I so naked?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
