Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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