it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize